...well....okay....
Jul. 22nd, 2004 10:50 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
perididdle*sighs* This is something I just need to do…and something I’ve had to do for a damn long time…but didn’t want to hurt anyone…but just ugh….
Jessi –
Honey, you’ve been my best friend for, what, three years? And I love you to bits. We’ve gone through the lovely missing parents, fighting parents, injured siblings, injured me, injured me, and injured me…
But somethings been more or less killing me for the past few months…and I think that if I don’t get it out now then I’ll just start loosing it and nothing will be good anymore…so just listen.
I didn’t want you to try out for cheerleading. I knew you would make it, and I wanted to scream at you to forget it, it wasn’t something you needed, you didn’t want to do it…all that stuff. But damnit you looked so happy that I couldn’t. it would hurt you, and even though there was this little nagging voice in my head saying eventually it would just ruin something, I kept my little mouth shut and let you cheer onward.
But you haven’t noticed the change, have you? It used to be I could have a full conversation with you on the phone without anymore than a brief mention of a guy (yeah, it’s noteworthy now). We could sit there and talk and eat cookies and watch FRIENDS and talk about ducks the whole night, and everything was fine. Nowadays, all I hear is…well let’s summarize… “Rich…Garret…Craig…Rich…Kelsey did this, Kelsey did that, Rich, Tito doesn’t like you, Cassie and Shyanne don’t talk to us, Lacey doesn’t like you, Rich, do this for me, do that, if you’re mean to one of my cheerleading friends, no matter if they were mean to you first, I will stick up for them.”
For the past month or two, I’ve refused to let myself talk about it. I didn’t (and still don’t) want to hurt you, no matter how much watching and listening to everything ripped me up inside. If you were happy, even though I was fighting the urge to scratch the hell outta my arms, and beat up my body so I could see the bruises a few moments later…then everything was, in some way, fine.
You’re a crowd follower, Jessi. In some ways there’s nothing wrong with it…but it’s constantly tearing at me, knowing that your priorities are starting to screw up from the way they were before. Cheerleading and boys...and then friends. That kind of thing can be fatal. It really, really can.
I don’t even think I’m going to reach my point with this whole thing. I don’t know if I have a point…but I don’t like watching this. I don’t like watching my best friend slowly be pulled away from me, I don’t like watching my best friend be pushed toward shallowness. Every second that I’m even communicating with you makes me feel like I’m not important anymore, and maybe I’m not. It makes me feel like I’m to the point of no return, and I’ve lost you forever. And maybe I have.
Logically, I could go on, but I’m not entirely sure that I actually can/want to. Respond how you will…bitch me out. It seems to happen a lot, anyways. Push me away even further and let the bopsiey connection die. Or talk to me about it. I care about you, Jess, cause I still think you’re my best friend, so whatever makes you happy…do it.
Again…I feel that I never got around to anything with this…but I don’t really think I can keep going. I love you, Jess, and you can hate me for it and this. But don't call me to respond. Please. I can’t do anything like that anymore, it’ll drive me nuts. Write a comment or an e-mail. No cell, no MSN or AIM. I would ask for some face-to-face talk, but well we can’t do that. So…yeah. Comment or e-mail. That’s all I ask if you want to react.
-Madison
P.S. I realize this is more of a run on letter than a rant...and I never did express myself the way I wish I could...but oh well...hopefully the point is still there.
<>
Jessi –
Honey, you’ve been my best friend for, what, three years? And I love you to bits. We’ve gone through the lovely missing parents, fighting parents, injured siblings, injured me, injured me, and injured me…
But somethings been more or less killing me for the past few months…and I think that if I don’t get it out now then I’ll just start loosing it and nothing will be good anymore…so just listen.
I didn’t want you to try out for cheerleading. I knew you would make it, and I wanted to scream at you to forget it, it wasn’t something you needed, you didn’t want to do it…all that stuff. But damnit you looked so happy that I couldn’t. it would hurt you, and even though there was this little nagging voice in my head saying eventually it would just ruin something, I kept my little mouth shut and let you cheer onward.
But you haven’t noticed the change, have you? It used to be I could have a full conversation with you on the phone without anymore than a brief mention of a guy (yeah, it’s noteworthy now). We could sit there and talk and eat cookies and watch FRIENDS and talk about ducks the whole night, and everything was fine. Nowadays, all I hear is…well let’s summarize… “Rich…Garret…Craig…Rich…Kelsey did this, Kelsey did that, Rich, Tito doesn’t like you, Cassie and Shyanne don’t talk to us, Lacey doesn’t like you, Rich, do this for me, do that, if you’re mean to one of my cheerleading friends, no matter if they were mean to you first, I will stick up for them.”
For the past month or two, I’ve refused to let myself talk about it. I didn’t (and still don’t) want to hurt you, no matter how much watching and listening to everything ripped me up inside. If you were happy, even though I was fighting the urge to scratch the hell outta my arms, and beat up my body so I could see the bruises a few moments later…then everything was, in some way, fine.
You’re a crowd follower, Jessi. In some ways there’s nothing wrong with it…but it’s constantly tearing at me, knowing that your priorities are starting to screw up from the way they were before. Cheerleading and boys...and then friends. That kind of thing can be fatal. It really, really can.
I don’t even think I’m going to reach my point with this whole thing. I don’t know if I have a point…but I don’t like watching this. I don’t like watching my best friend slowly be pulled away from me, I don’t like watching my best friend be pushed toward shallowness. Every second that I’m even communicating with you makes me feel like I’m not important anymore, and maybe I’m not. It makes me feel like I’m to the point of no return, and I’ve lost you forever. And maybe I have.
Logically, I could go on, but I’m not entirely sure that I actually can/want to. Respond how you will…bitch me out. It seems to happen a lot, anyways. Push me away even further and let the bopsiey connection die. Or talk to me about it. I care about you, Jess, cause I still think you’re my best friend, so whatever makes you happy…do it.
Again…I feel that I never got around to anything with this…but I don’t really think I can keep going. I love you, Jess, and you can hate me for it and this. But don't call me to respond. Please. I can’t do anything like that anymore, it’ll drive me nuts. Write a comment or an e-mail. No cell, no MSN or AIM. I would ask for some face-to-face talk, but well we can’t do that. So…yeah. Comment or e-mail. That’s all I ask if you want to react.
-Madison
P.S. I realize this is more of a run on letter than a rant...and I never did express myself the way I wish I could...but oh well...hopefully the point is still there.
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(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-25 07:38 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-25 07:41 am (UTC)