'Would - you - like - to - bring - a - sword?'

I love me some Whose Line when I wake up in the morning...

Hey, I've been up for two hours!

Shut up.

I'm getting bored with this layout...the green is making me feel icky. BUT, alas, I can't figure out what kind of new layout I want. I should do a Spyro one just to spite everyone, but I'm not up to trying to screencap/find pics for that. Maybe it's time for some Chicago-age.

Or LOBSTERS! OOOOOHHHH! *Clapclap of joy*

I need a paid account...I really just do. I wanna make an MST3k layout, but only if I can make it all special. *Pout* Plus...3 user pics...it's total CRAP! I should get 6 months of paid account and 12 of extra pictures, just so I could feel good. But I need money for the surprise...plus I'm going to buy things for myself while I try to get that all set up. ^_^ I just have to!

Muse news...umm...do we have muse news? Flare is stalking Amara's mare, and Toby kind of stands around and pouts. It's rather depressing, and Trish's mares keep trying to cheer him up.  Uhh, oh don't we all love my discussion with Morca about whether I should use her on an RPG...

Me: So...let's see, hair would be all rainbowy, let's make you 16 (note the 'hehehehe' from her there) and...uuhhh...wanna be bi?
Morca: *Eye roll* Only if Dria is there.

Alisha didn't like that. LOL

OHHH! PUPPIES! PUPPIES! Yes there are new puppies. Haven't seen them yet. But I woke up at 4 in the morning because Varliss wasn't having all that much fun with having them. We need to count them...yeah they usually don't have any more than five...because any more than that...and Lisha and I would have no signs. *nods*

Now off to finish making boards for that damn RPG...I forgot how much I hated making these things. But, up side, I get to make the muses work there. Yep...Psyche is in the library, and I'm gonna have to mess with everything else but yeah....guess who works in the nurse's office. *Giggles*

And now with a closing note brought to you by - my older sister.

Jesse: I've figured out what I want to name my kid if I ever have one.
Me: What?
Jesse: Agent.
Me: *Blinks*
Jesse: Agent Newman.

Please note that one of her friends wants to name her daughter Shithead (Shi-thead) and see what happens on the first day of school.  *Sighs and shakes head*

-Maddy

...well....okay....

*sighs* This is something I just need to do…and something I’ve had to do for a damn long time…but didn’t want to hurt anyone…but just ugh….

Jessi –

Honey, you’ve been my best friend for, what, three years? And I love you to bits. We’ve gone through the lovely missing parents, fighting parents, injured siblings, injured me, injured me, and injured me…

But somethings been more or less killing me for the past few months…and I think that if I don’t get it out now then I’ll just start loosing it and nothing will be good anymore…so just listen.

I didn’t want you to try out for cheerleading. I knew you would make it, and I wanted to scream at you to forget it, it wasn’t something you needed, you didn’t want to do it…all that stuff. But damnit you looked so happy that I couldn’t. it would hurt you, and even though there was this little nagging voice in my head saying eventually it would just ruin something, I kept my little mouth shut and let you cheer onward.

But you haven’t noticed the change, have you? It used to be I could have a full conversation with you on the phone without anymore than a brief mention of a guy (yeah, it’s noteworthy now). We could sit there and talk and eat cookies and watch FRIENDS and talk about ducks the whole night, and everything was fine. Nowadays, all I hear is…well let’s summarize… “Rich…Garret…Craig…Rich…Kelsey did this, Kelsey did that, Rich, Tito doesn’t like you, Cassie and Shyanne don’t talk to us, Lacey doesn’t like you, Rich, do this for me, do that, if you’re mean to one of my cheerleading friends, no matter if they were mean to you first, I will stick up for them.”

For the past month or two, I’ve refused to let myself talk about it. I didn’t (and still don’t) want to hurt you, no matter how much watching and listening to everything ripped me up inside. If you were happy, even though I was fighting the urge to scratch the hell outta my arms, and beat up my body so I could see the bruises a few moments later…then everything was, in some way, fine.

You’re a crowd follower, Jessi. In some ways there’s nothing wrong with it…but it’s constantly tearing at me, knowing that your priorities are starting to screw up from the way they were before. Cheerleading and boys...and then friends. That kind of thing can be fatal. It really, really can.

I don’t even think I’m going to reach my point with this whole thing. I don’t know if I have a point…but I don’t like watching this. I don’t like watching my best friend slowly be pulled away from me, I don’t like watching my best friend be pushed toward shallowness. Every second that I’m even communicating with you makes me feel like I’m not important anymore, and maybe I’m not. It makes me feel like I’m to the point of no return, and I’ve lost you forever. And maybe I have.

Logically, I could go on, but I’m not entirely sure that I actually can/want to. Respond how you will…bitch me out. It seems to happen a lot, anyways. Push me away even further and let the bopsiey connection die. Or talk to me about it. I care about you, Jess, cause I still think you’re my best friend, so whatever makes you happy…do it.

Again…I feel that I never got around to anything with this…but I don’t really think I can keep going. I love you, Jess, and you can hate me for it and this. But don't call me to respond. Please. I can’t do anything like that anymore, it’ll drive me nuts. Write a comment or an e-mail. No cell, no MSN or AIM. I would ask for some face-to-face talk, but well we can’t do that. So…yeah. Comment or e-mail. That’s all I ask if you want to react.

-Madison

P.S. I realize this is more of a run on letter than a rant...and I never did express myself the way I wish I could...but oh well...hopefully the point is still there.
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